Kiana is an engineer who chose her three identities as ‘Thinker’, ‘Mum’, and ‘Coach’. Her story is one of breaking boundaries and also of escape: a woman operating in what can be a male dominated profession, yet never really accepting the identity of ‘engineer’, and ultimately escaping into a new one. This is a story of growth, introspection, and change.
As i heard Kiana speak, what i heard at times was a taxonomic challenge: she is reasonably clear ‘who’ she is, but the systems of categorisation that surround her have not always given her the right spaces to belong within.
Kiana’s Story
My three identities are as ‘Thinker’, ‘Mum’, and ‘Coach’. I struggled to chose these three from a range of other identities that are important to me: engineer, singer, friend, wife, colleague, daughter, employee.
The identity of engineer, which i have not chosen as a central one, took me a long time to accept, even though that is how others see me.
The identity of thinker has grown through a five year journey, as i escape from twenty three years identified as an engineer, even though i did not believe that i truly was one!
I came from a maths discipline, not an engineering degree, but i ended up in this space, and hence with this badge. Whilst i have developed, or perhaps always had, an ‘engineers’ mindset and clarity, i typically find myself taking a broader systems view, and with a deep fascination with people.
In 2011 i had my first child, and whilst on maternity the programme i had been working on was cancelled. I had spent the first ten years of my working life as part of this military aerospace project, i had lived it heart and soul, and it was a huge blow. At the same time as being pregnant, there were redundancies, and when i returned to work it was to a site that was hugely changed. My network was gone. I was lost. It was the start of a period of eight years when i was lost in the Organisation. Through two maternity leaves and three miscarriages, which was a huge amount of distraction from work, i remained lost.
I started trying to figure myself out - i started to build a different network - connecting with different people. People within my workplace, but not so directly connected with my role.
There was a lot of self analysis, building self awareness, and i did a course too, to find out about myself! I started to get really interested in values and behaviours, which carried me beyond my historic skills - i became obsessed with this stuff.
Then i started to hear the phrase, ‘you think really differently’. That somehow my thinking was different from other people: i started to find a sense that i had to defend that phrase. When women think, it’s not ‘overthinking’. It’s deep thinking.
I have come to value this sense of asking ‘why’ (a ‘creator’ strength) and an ability to ideate, to connect thoughts. Like i have a library building up in my mind. Stories - methodologies - theories - models. I take these thoughts and start to connect them in different ways.
It’s a creative act - an emergent identity. I suspect it was always there, but it was the word ‘creator’ in the strengths finder that inspired me.
People see me as a person who thinks very deeply.
My second identity is as a mum. Both that and ‘wife’ were on my list, but my response to ‘wife’ triggered a bias. I don’t particularly feel that i have my own identity as a wife, whereas with mum, i do.
It’s an identity and a role i play for my children. It’s a big part of my life. Now that i think about it, really interestingly, when i look through the my list of three, those are the top three things taking up my time!
To be a mum, it’s a decision i took - it’s deep rooted - i have always had a belief and a clear vision that i would have a family. It was a certainty, a non negotiable. I think i made that happen. I am not a big life planner, but that was there. The vision was there.
When i was going through that crisis with work i had a massive lack of worthiness, of confidence. It encouraged me to never question my capability as a mum, ever.
I was always very self assured, i would get my way - i made decisions as a mum and was absolutely confident. I saw other senior people crumble as mums.
We have an ethos to bring up our kids and i’m clear on that. My mum had that.
The approach was right for me. I was an instinctive mother.
I remember being really worried, i have a massive lazy streak, because an intensity of passion is essential for me to engage with something. I remember wondering how i would get out of bed at night, what if i’m too lazy for that? But instinct kicks in!
I have been asking myself about my determination recently - some people can look at me and question if i am sufficiently resilient, because i am an emotional person.
I go through roller coasters. It’s overt. That can give you an impression i lack resilience.
Over a long period of time i am visionary not goal oriented. I have always felt that i could not progress that well because i’m not goal oriented, i do not target the job, but then i realised it’s about the innovation i want to see - seeing a vision of me at my best and working towards that.
There is determination in that. Once i see what is possible i went to my Director and said ‘i believe you when you say where you want to take the culture - but there are barriers beneath you - these are the strengths that i have, so i want an experimental role - some coaching and other things i do not know yet. We had a thirty minute chat and then i put together a proposal. Fifteen minutes into our next thirty minute chat he said yes.
I don’t know many people get themselves an experimental role that does not exist!
There is a determination that is just subtle. Maybe it’s not always there, but it needs a purpose.
My third identity, as a coach - this is something i am quite determined to do. I had indicators through my career, from my very first graduate programme role, and i loved the experience of coaching.
About seven years later i went on a management course where we went back to the theory. I absolutely loved it. I drove the team project.
We delivered a success project considering how a team can be competent, and off the back of that i went to my own coach, who recommended me for a continuous improvement programme.
That programme really taught me how to coach: i was buddied up with someone, and i clearly remember that I asked him a question, and he made a connection.
I was floored - he gets it better than me. That was my hook.
Since then we played around with it, and after a few sessions someone sent me a note to say she had been promoted, and our coaching contributed to that.
I am hugely passionate about being a coach, about this identity i have forged.
I think the word identity for me is tied into how i am a massive believer in being your authentic self: your identity should be authentic. You should bring your whole self to work, but of course we play roles. Whenever i go into my coaching role i don the rules, the constraints, of a coach.
I am here to enable them - i need follow the rules of the game. It’s not my natural state, but it gives me power.
There is an irony of me never feeling like an engineer, and yet constructing my ‘self’ like this. My friends laugh at my logical brain aspect!
You asked if i am still an engineer: yes, and i always will be. But for so many years my stock response was that i am ‘an engineer but not a real engineer’
I find it interesting that i am now admitting that i will always be an engineer, despite the battle to believe i was one in the fist place.
There are huge elements of imposter syndrome.
But also an acknowledgement: i wonder if i should ever have been an engineer. The accidental engineer. It’s a funny circumstance, an accident. I did maths because i was good at passing tests. I enjoyed the repetitive nature of sums. I know there is an answer and i can get to the answer that is already there.
I ended up there because i had not got a clue what i wanted to do. I aced the model. I do well in things i enjoy. I got a 2.2 without studying at all.
I ended up saying ‘I need a job where i can talk to people’, and that is what i found.
I have accepted my identity as engineer because it’s a mindset - i think like one.
I am messy in real life because my brain is tidy, logical, intellectual.
I had a conversation with a Chief Engineer who i have a lot of respect for. He is straight talking and integrity is hugely important to him.
We were at an event - i had disastrously applied for a D&I role. I told him this, and he said that is good, but i will be lost to engineering.
He had always rated me: the first time we did a design review, like peer review, he was still an up and coming engineer. He thinks that i helped him to keep it straight - i have no recollection of the event, but it’s funny how people construct their interpretation and understanding of me.
He said “you are a good engineer and a decent person”. I try to listen to that feedback.
I feel the responsibility of my gender in engineering: in some ways by moving away from engineering i feel that i am letting my gender down.
It’s a big thing when you are passionate about inclusion: no major things happen, but the everyday things have an impact and you later realise what an impact it has. There is no single event that makes you feel marginalised or excluded, but for women in engineering there can be a pattern of everyday things over time that impacts you. So i feel i am letting my side down.
But i also wonder what time i have wasted, to find myself.
I am not the same person that i used to be: our experiences shape us. There is a core, indicators that are there all along. The person that you are is a combination of that core and what you do with it.
I am still in touch with my dance tutor, from the age of four to seventeen. She says she can still see the shadows of who i was.
It’s taken me a long time to rationalise my relationship with my femininity and identity as engineer.
Part of that is my age: i am just a few years shy of the engineers that were truly breaking through.
What i see in an awful lot of those female engineers a few years older than me is a determination to be gender neutral or deny gender at work.
I landed on the realisation that my femininity is part of who i am. It’s irrelevant for now if that’s nature or nurture - who i am is someone who is feminine. I have girly traits. Deeply felt caring instincts. That seem to align with the common perception of the female gender, whether nature or nurture.
I am who i am, and who i am is a woman. I bring care into the workplace.
I feel the energy in the room and seek to raise it. At an emotional level i get male teams to connect to emotions.
I am a female engineer. You are a male engineer. I do not want to delete my gender. It took me some years to figure that one out. I am surrounded by ”I am an engineer, not female one”, but that is not my truth.
My identity is no longer fragile, but i think parts have been in the past. The worthiness work you can do with Brene Brown, and the coaching to see your value. It takes work, but that this is the antidote to fragility.
My identity is precious, because for me authenticity is a core value. If it’s not precious then it means i am not precious.